The Sooper Tremenjous Wunderful Interview!
by Crowhop
Summary: ...this needs a summary?


AN: I was sick---sick unto death with that long agony; and when at length they unbound me, and I was permitted to sit, I said: I HATE COLDS!!

Sorry. However I have been on the couch with a cold for the past three days reading Sandburg and Poe, and so it's no wonder that after the fourth day I begin to get a little weird. Ergo this thing I will not deign to call a story. The number one question on your mind is, undoubtedly, 'WHY? You were a half-way decent writer, and now you go and ruin what little online identity you had by putting up THIS? WHY?!'

Because, quite simply, I'm a glutton for punishment. I also know that every other category on this whole whoppin' site has at least fifteen stupid fics that consist of nothing but an interview with the characters involved in the story or game or whatever, even in the categories that only have eight other stories. It's a sickness, I tell you.

So anyway, I figured that the NID section would not be complete without it's own cruddy interview with the characters. (I've seen some very funny interviews, too, so please don't think I'm shooting them down. It's the badly-done ones that I'm targeting.) Therefore, because of this major gap in the NID group of online stories, I have taken it upon myself to fill in said gap with said cruddy interview. Please flame. Someone has to stop me.

Disclaimer: I take no responsibility whatsoever for anything said in this interview. All wicked jabs, stereotypes, stupid jokes, and mean pot shots are simply there because I think them amusing, not because I think them true. All Democrats who read this and are offended, sorry, but I already said I didn't mean any of this. All Republicans who have the same reaction, sorry, but you're having the same reaction as the opposite party. I'm spraying my shots---heck, I make fun of INSOMNIA, and all of you who know me well know that I'm usually a very firm defender of him in any situation. So why don't you both flame me, and then go and mutter to each other about my stupidity over a cup of coffee or something. Maybe you can work out your differences by getting mad at me together. Hey, I may actually manage to solve some of the world's verbal sparring problems by posting this...gee, don't I feel all important now?

(television set turns on)

TV: _brrrrszzzzshhhhttszzzzz_

Vague Voice Who Is Not Important But Only There To Fix The TV Problem: Oh my. Wrong channel. *click*

TV: *has changed to a new channel* Have that sinking feeling? Why don't you try *click* a home run! And Soloblootski wins the fourth round of the annual Donkey Tennis While Wearing Cabbages On Your Head And Singing Mary Had A Little *click* And now for the opera you've all been waiting for, the Swedish National Anthem, sung by Madame Olga and Senorita Brussel Sprouts, in harmony! A guest appearance made by *click* Next a song by the hot new group Azizia, formerly known as Azizia, called "My Eardrums Shattered Years Ago"! *click* And here we see a baby moose in it's natural habitat, the plains of *click* *opera sounds* *click* And Soloblootski fumbles, and Geraldo "Baby Eyebrows" McDean steals the puck! And it's a pop fly to the other court! And it's going, going, going---and it's in the hoop! *click* John! Martha! Oh, John! Oh, Martha! John, John! Martha, Martha! John John John! Martha Martha Martha! *click* Bill! Shirley! *_click_* And now let's go say hi to Mister Anaconda, kids! Hi, Mister Anaconda! *sounds that were later edited from the tape* Oh, gee, there goes Mister Bunny! *click* Thank you, Misses Olga and Sprouts! Now we have a formal rendition of the well-loved song "Bavaria, my Bavaria", done entirely by oboe and banjo! *click* *familiar music starts playing*

Vague Voice: Here it is! Now what do I do?

Other Vague Voice, Which Happens To Belong To The Author: Nothing.

First Vague Voice: But I have to do _something_.

Second Vague Voice: Oh, fine. Go off and look inconspicuous, or something.

First Vague Voice: Okay! *goes off and looks inconspicuous, or something*

Second Vague Voice: Okay, now let's siddown and enjoy the show.

TV: *is still playing familiar music. Some time along the line we realize why it is so familiar; it's the theme song for Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, looped over and played with a slightly faster time.*

Author, Still Speaking In The Vague Voice: Good gravy, who chose the opening song?!  


Nobody: *answers*

Author: Oh. Okay.

TV: *is now showing the opening scenes. These consist basically of several very large slides of different scenic places across the globe, all of which have been enlarged several sizes to fit the screen, making them very blurry, and have been given several special touches to imitate realism. One of these touches is a giant sun drawn over the Grand Canyon with yellow crayon.*

Author, Who We Will Now Refer To As Avis Because It Is Easier To Type: Oh geez.

TV: *is showing several shots of the different people who work on the set of Crow Theater; strangely, they all seem to be Avis' muses. Apparently she could not afford anyone else.*

Avis: Darn straight I couldn't.

TV: *still showing the different pictures. All of them are rather blurry, and several consist of nothing but a large pink blob side-centered over the screen.*

Avis: Alright, who put this together?! He couldn't even keep his thumb out of half the shots!! Heck, it looks like it was done by a maren who was either drunk or sick out of his wits!!

Insomnia: *from the background, probably sitting near Avis* I DO hab a code.

Avis: ...

Insomnia: I dib the bedt I coub. *blows his nose*

Avis: ...

TV: *shows the show's main opening scene, a large white paper printed with the words "Crow Theter". Below is inscribed, in the same awful handwriting, "A Intervew with NiGHTS And Everebude Els."

Avis: ...*buries her head in her hands*

TV: *now showing a backed-off scene of one of those platforms the newscasters are always sitting on, complete with high-tech looking desk and important papers scattered about on top. The interviewers, as they probably are, look suspiciously like Al Gore and George Bush.*

Interviewer Who Looks Like Al Gore: *in an annoyingly cheerful voice* Good MORNING, everybody, and welcome to Crow Theater! I am Al Impale, and this is my colleague, George Shrubbery! 

Other Interviewer, Now Labeled As George Shrubbery: *also speaking with an unbelievably cheerful voice* We'll be your hosts for this episode! Which is a very special interview with none other than the entire cast of NiGHTS Into Dreams! 

Al Impale: To tell the truth, we weren't supposed to be here---normally the interviewer spots are taken by the co-authors, or some up-and-with-it news item such as Eminem! However because Avis has such a low budget, she could only afford us.

Avis: ...alright, who wrote the script?

Bass and AC: *snickersnortsnicker* *look innocent*

Avis: Just you wait. I _will_ hurt you.

George Shrubbery: She is also severely behind the times, as her television set at home does not pick up any reception, and because she is so computer-challenged she has only recently begun reading the news on CNN.com. Therefore the most up-to-date media item she knows fairly well is the presidential race, which occurred four or five years ago!

Al: And she doesn't even know much about us! She has never actually heard my voice, and the only picture of me she really remembers is one that made me look like I had fish eyes! Which is why my eyes are so big! *points to eyes, which take up approximately half his face*

George: And although she knows a little bit more about me, she doesn't know enough to be truly comfortable with spoofing me! That's why all she has me do is comically mispronuciate something! And because she wants to make fun of annoyingly cheerful newscasters in general, she has us misoveruse exclamation points!

Al: *has not yet dropped his unimaginably cheerful tone* But enough about us! Let's welcome the stars of the show...NiGHTS and his gang!

Five Or Six Of The Characters From NiGHTS Into Dreams: *walk on stage*

George: Welcome all! Please sit down right in those chairs we set out for you specially! 

Gulpo: *stares at him*

Al: Don't worry, we had an extra large fish tank set up for you! But where is Wizeman?

NiGHTS: Couldn't fit through the door.

Al: Oh, what pity! Still, welcome one and all!

NiGHTS: Yo.

Reala: Hn.

Jackle: *insane giggle* Hi! 

Puffy: Hello.

Clawz: *purr* Grrreetingsssss...

Gulpo: *bubble*

Gillwing: Salutations of the most friendly kind.

NID Chars, _Sans_ Gillwing: Shut up, Gill!

Al: Well, now that you're here, let's get on with the interview! First off, a question for the star of the show, the main event, the greatest of them all, the---

Puffy: Shuttup and get on with it already.

Jackle: *giggle*

George: Question number one: NiGHTS, have you ever eaten cake?

NID Chars: ...

NiGHTS: ...

Avis: ...

Insomnia: *brightly* I wrote da lit ob kwedons all by mydelf! 

Avis: ...someone shoot me.

NiGHTS: ...cake. Yes, I have eaten cake before.

Al: More than once?

NiGHTS: ...yes. More than once.

Clawz: What is this, Weight Watchers Anonymous?

Jackle: *snicker* Shouldn't have come, Puff.

Puffy: Shaddup.

George: What's your favorite kind of cake?

NiGHTS: ...chocolate.

Al: What kind of frosting?

Jackle: For the love of all things plushie, who wrote this list of questions? A Nightopian?

Insomnia: I dib! I dib!!

NID Chars: *turn and glare at him through the screen* SHUSH!!

Insomnia: Oobs. Sorry. 

Al: So what kind of frosting?

NiGHTS: Any kind.

George: One layered cake, or two?

NiGHTS: WHAT IS THIS MORBID FASCINATION WITH MY CAKE EATING HABITS?! DON'T YOU HAVE A SINGLE _USFUL _QUESTION?!?

Al And George: *shuffle through their papers*

Al And George: No.

NiGHTS: ...*mutters and sinks down in his seat* We're all doomed.

Al: So, on to the next question. This one's for Reala, bad maren extraordinaire! 

George: Tell us, Reala: Why do you have claws?

Reala: ...because I have claws.

Al: Oh, okay!

Reala: ...*looks at him* ...

George: How about this one. Why are your claws yellow?

Reala: ...because they're yellow.

Al: I see! Why are your claws sharp?

Reala: ...because they're sharp.

Al: Okay! So why are they long?

Reala: ...because I like gutting people.

Avis: ...who decided Reala should be on the interviewee list?

Bass: *looks up and whistles*

George: I see! Next question---Gulpo, why do you only say "Gulpo"?

Gulpo: *bubble*

Jackle: Because he's a fish.

Puffy: Because he's a mute.

Clawz: Because he's a Pokemon.

Random People In The Audience: *begin retching uncontrollably*

Avis: NO! DO NOT MENTION POKEMON!!

NID Chars: *whirl on her* SHUSH!!

Avis: *sinks down in her seat* Sorry.

George: Okay! 

Al: Well, it's been a very interesting first half! We'll be right back, people, after these commercials!

Avis: They're taking a commercial break ALREADY?!

NiGHTS: We're taking a commercial break ALREADY?!

Puffy: We're taking a commercial break ALREADY?!

Gulpo: *bubble bubble BUBBLE*?!

Al: Yeah, because we spent too much time during the beginning babbling about ourselves! See you in a couple of minutes, folks!

TV: *screen flashes black, then shows what is presumably a commercial*

Random Guy: Do you have trouble breathing? Do you not like tying your shoelaces? Do you find speaking intelligibly difficult? Then come to Stupid People Anonymous, where we can give you the tutoring you need! Call 1-800-IAM-DUMB to find out more!

Avis: ...who was it this time?

Muses: *point to Juno*

Juno: As per your instructions, I hired the lowest bidders.

Avis: ...

Juno: To be absolutely frank, I have much doubt concerning their reliability and quality as advertisers.

Avis: ...*whimper*

TV: *is showing another commercial* 

Man With Extremely Phony Smile: Having trouble with hair loss? Try new Arowwitz Hair Growth Tonic today! *holds up a picture of a balding guy* Here's one of our most loyal customers BEFORE---*holds up another picture of a guy with loads of hair* ---and here he is AFTER!

Avis: The bald man is short, old, and Anglo Saxon. The man with hair is tall, young, and Chinese. 

AC: So? 

Avis: So nothing. Just pointing it out.

TV: *showing another commercial*

Car: *drives around along winding forest roads and over rocky trails in slow, graceful time*

Voice: Don't you love it when things are just right?

Background Music: *ooh-y aah-y stuff, sounding rather like it came from India and meant to infuse the audience with wonder and awe*

Voice: Try riding the new Dodgeit Savan. It's a trip worth taking.

Avis: Hey, that commercial was half decent.

Dhan (Doesn't Have A Name), Also Known As The Vague Voice Who Took Care Of The TV Problem And Occasional Forlorn Advocate Of Sanity: Pity we had to pay them to allow us to use it, huh?

Avis: ...*stares at him*

TV: *slightly too fast Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers music comes back on, and there is a pan-around scene of the interviewers and their interviewees. Finally, after having a bit of trouble coming out of it's loop around the room and focusing on a random patch of wall for several moments, the camera lens comes to rest on the faces of the group.*

Al: And welcome back to Crow Theater! 

Audience, Which Sounds Suspiciously Like It Consists Of A Few Random Nightmaren Sitting In Different Spots Around The Theater To Give The Sound Volume Of A Large Group: *cheer and whistle*

George: Back to interviewing the NiGHTS Into Dreams stars! Here's a question for all of you, starting from the left. 

Al: Do you believe the comics portrayed your character in a fairly truthful manner?

NID Chars: *are stunned into silence by the appearance of a vaguely intelligent question*

George: NiGHTS, what do you think?

NiGHTS: *works out of his stupor* Um...yes. Yes, I believe the comic writers did a fairly good job. I could have looked a little more intelligent while in the waking world instead of losing my head like a little kid, but other than that they did fairly well.

Reala, Who Is Next In Line: *growls* Awful. They had me running from a gang of Nightopians. A GANG OF NIGHTOPIANS. What idiot came up with that scene?! *whirling on the camera* DO I LOOK LIKE A COWARD TO YOU?!?

Camera Man: *is apparently a Nightopian, as he makes a high-pitched squeak and flees*

Reala: See? SEE?! THEY'RE supposed to be afraid of ME!!

TV: *the camera, because of the sudden loss of a camera operator, is now aiming at the floor; all that can be seen is a gray unfocused blob, presumably the floor tiling.*

Voices In The Background: *murmur worriedly*

Al: Excuse me! Can we get another camera man out here?

Voices: *murmur some more*

Avis: ...*buries her head in her arms and sobs*

AC: *patting her shoulder* There, there. It's not half as bad as Telletubbies.

Bass: Yeah. It's WAY more amusing.

Avis: *muffled sob*

TV: *several more moments of distant murmuring and what sounds rather like an argument; after a moment, someone stomps over to the camera*

Someone: Oh, fine, I'll do it. Don't get so pushy!!

TV: *the camera is picked up and put back on it's stand. There is a moment of fuzz; then a close-up picture of a nightmaren wearing sage green is seen.*

Voice In The Background: Lunatic, you moron, you don't look into it!!

Lunatic: Oh. Drat. *backs off, and apparently figures out what to do; after a minute or so of focusing and re-focusing, the camera is once again pointed at the interview.*

Al: Okay, back to where we were! Jackle, do you think the comic writers did a good job portraying you correctly?

Jackle: *pauses in his low, insane giggling to answer* Yes and no. My sentences were usually correct, but in one scene I sound WAY too serious and thee and thou-ish. You know, "It will be some time before they may be dreamt up again" and all that. They needed to lighten me up sometimes. And I didn't get to explode anything, either. 

Clawz: I didn't get to speak. And having Reala pet me on the head and then shock me was plain humiliating.

Puffy: I don't sing constantly. And getting thrown through a wall did NOT look fun.

Gillwing: I was stupid enough to fly straight into an Alarm Egg. What kind of unintelligent creature would do that? And my vocal chords were, apparently, nonexistent, as I never said a word.

Gulpo: *glub _glub_ glub bubble bubble glub*.

Jackle: He said, "I got eaten by Clawz! How do you _think_ I feel?"

George: Okay! Here's the next question, and again it's for all of you. What is the question you most want to hear answered?

NiGHTS: Why is there a National Museum Of Ketchup?

Reala: WHY DID I RUN AWAY FROM THOSE NIGHTOPIANS?!

Jackle: Where's the nearest flammable object?

Clawz: Why do my ceiling and floor spin around in circles? I get seasick just trying to go to sleep.

Puffy: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Gillwing: How may we achieve world peace?

NID Chars: Shut up, Gill!

Gulpo: *glub bubble bubble bloop*

Jackle: He said, "Why did I shrink when my bowl was broken in the comics? Was I supposed to be made of sponge or something?"

Al: Wow! Okay, here's another question. Do you like broccoli?

Avis: These are getting worse and worse.

Insomnia: Dibt I do a gub job? *honk* *blows his nose*

Avis: ...*sigh* Yes, Som, you did great.

NiGHTS: No.

Reala: No. Those Nightopians probably eat broccoli. I do not like Nightopians.

Jackle: I'll eat anything that won't bite me back.

Clawz: It's eh.

Puffy: I love any type of food.

Jackle: Duh-ur.

Gillwing: Broccoli is a necessary part of a balanced diet. It has been scientifically proven that a diet high in broccoli may help prevent certain types of cancer, along with---

NID Chars: Shut up, Gill!

Gulpo: *blub blub bloop blub*.

Jackle: He said, "Only if it has cheese sauce."

George: Wow! Here's another question. 

Reala: If either one of these fools says "Wow" one more time, I may have to strangle him.

Al: Is a potato part of the vegetable group, or the bread group?

*pause*

Avis: *blink blink* *stares at Insomnia*

Insomnia: I founb ib on da bag ob a oadmeal pagidge.

Avis: ...*mutters something about never giving her muses instant oatmeal again*

NiGHTS: Vegetable.

Reala: I hate you.

Jackle: It's part of the monkey family. You wouldn't guess just looking at one, but they're really related to orangutans and, by extension, chimpanzees. I've heard there are several gorillas somewhere along the branches of the family tree, too.

Clawz: I don't know, I don't care.

Jackle: *singing* I have stripy blue-ish hair.

Clawz: *growl*

Puffy: They taste good either way.

Gillwing: Technically, potatoes are vegetables. They are also mostly starch, which places them in close proximity to the bread group, although---

NID Chars: Shut up, Gill!

Gulpo: *blub bloop blub glub*.

Jackle: He said, "Who the heck came up with these questions? Vegetable."

George: Wow!

Reala: *is manually restrained by NiGHTS and Jackle from throttling George*

Al: Well, here's the last question of the day.

NID Chars: YES!!

Avis: WHAT?!  


Insomnia: I ran owb ub kwedons to hab dem asg.

Avis: *whimper*

Al: Where...is your nose?

NID Chars: ...

Avis: ...

Audience (in the theater): ...

Audience (watching the TV): ...

*silence*

Jackle: *starts laughing like a psychotic hyena*

NiGHTS: You are not serious.

Al: You first, NiGHTS!

NiGHTS: Oh. Man.

Avis: I do not believe this. I do not smogging believe this.

George: So, NiGHTS, do you know where your nose is?

NiGHTS: ...I don't have one.

Avis: *perks up* Heeeeey, this question may not be half bad! Sorta a trick question thing! Smart, Som.

Insomnia: *confused* NiDS dobent hab a node?

Avis: ...

AC: You give the boy too much credit.

Reala: *is being held down by NiGHTS and Jackle* *rabid snarl*

Jackle: I may have one. But you can't see it. So you'll never find out whether I do or not. Ner ner.

Clawz: Why on earth would I try to find my nose?

Puffy: Here. *points*

Gillwing: Pardon me, but do you mean the nostrils of the nose part, or do you mean what you might term in the colloquial "the nose", meaning only the visible part of the breathing apparatus, or---

NID Chars: Shut up, Gill!

Gulpo: *gloop blub*.

Jackle: *wrestles with an angry Reala for a bit before managing to get him in a headlock* He said, "What moron made up this list of questions?"

George: Tremendous! Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's it. Let's have a rousing round of applause for the stars of NiGHTS Into Dreams!

Audience (in the theater): *half-hearted clapping from what sounds to be a group of nightmaren about seven strong*

Audience (watching the TV): *silence*

Al: This has been another episode of Crow Theater! Tune in next time to see us interview a currently unnamed group!

Reala: *snarl*

Bass: "Currently unnamed"?

AC: Avis still hasn't managed to get ahold of any other takers of the contract. I'm not surprised.

Avis: ...*is staring at the screen*

George: Well, that's that! See you next time on...Crow Theater!!

Al and George: *wave*

Reala: *chomps rabidly on NiGHTS' arm*

NiGHTS: Bad maren! Down! *swats him in the face*

TV: *camera pans around the audience, which is indeed several nightmaren sitting at different spots in the theater and clapping half-heartedly, while elevator music plays in the background. Several scenes of the interviewers and interviewees, the former looking cheerful and engaging in the expected "after show" joking and talking, and the latter divided between looking for an exit and restraining Reala.*

Avis: ...

Insomnia: So dib we do a gub job? *honk*

Avis: ...

TV: *screen goes blank, then rolls credits. The background is a much-enlarged slide of a crow, which due to the blurriness of the picture looks more like a black sedan being stomped on by a coal-covered Abominable Snowman. The music is unrecognizable, but sounds rather like a Midi downloaded off the Internet from some Japanese site, originally played on a samisen or other Oriental instrument but now sounding like a razor being scraped across a bedspring. The credits are rather short, due to the entire cast and crew consisting of Avis' muses. There are several exclamations from the vicinity near and around the couch as certain muses' names are shown.*

Avis: ...

Insomnia: Whud rong, Abis?

Avis: ...

Juno: Several consecutive scans show Avis to be in a catatonic stupor, also known in the colloquial as "zoned out". I believe a massive assault on the brain by unintelligent sounds and visions is often the main cause for such an ailment.

Insomnia: ...

AC: Translation? In English?

Juno: She's brain-dead from watching such an awful show.

AC: Ah.

TV: *is showing the sponsors of the show, which consist of several gas station ads---all are small, one-pump establishments run by toothless guys in overalls and worn baseball caps--and one ad for an in-town butcher. Said butcher closed down because of lack of customers several months ago.*

From Another Room: *sounds of several people entering the house. A few loud exclamations can be heard.*

Voice From Said Another Room: Thank heavens we're home again.

Voice From Another Room Num.2: Whoa, watch it! He's getting loose!!

Voice From Another Room Num.3: Ow, my wrist! Watch out, he bites!

Voice From Another Room Num.2: *sarcastically* I'd figured that out by now!!

All Heck: *decides it wants freedom and breaks loose*

Avis: ...

Bass: Looks like they're back.

Voice From Another Room Num.3: Look out, here he comes!!

Reala: *comes barreling into the living room, eyes bloodshot and staring* MUST KILL SOMETHING!!

Muses: ...

Insomnia: Cab we helb you?

Other NID Chars: *come racing in after Reala; realize where they are and relax*

NiGHTS: Okay, he can run free now. *glares at Avis* If you ever sign me up for an interview again, I will personally hurt you.

Jackle: It was fun. But Reala bit straight through my cape. *whimpers and evaluates a tear in his treasured mantle*

Figment: Don't worry. Avis will fix it once she wakes up.

Avis: ...

AC: Yeah, she'd never let HIM sniffle for long. *muttermutterstupidfavoritismmutter*

Reala: *catches sight of Figment* NIGHTOPIAN!!! RARRRRRGGGHHH!!!

Avis: ...

Figment: *squeal*

Reala: *charges after him*

Figment: *flies for the window, followed by a screaming frenzied Reala*

Silence: *fills the room*

Insomnia: *choke gasp* Ib's choging me!

AC: ...wha?

Juno: I believe Insomnia was trying to state, "It's choking me".

Silence: Sorry. *empties out of the room again*

Muses: ...

AC: Should we go save Figment?

Avis: ...*blinks; comes out of her stupor* Nah. He'll keep Reala busy for awhile and, therefore, out of our hair. Now let's go to Borders. I need a chai.

Insomnia: Do-nut! Do-nut! Do-nut! Do-nut! YAY!

AC: I wanna coffee. I NEEDA coffee.

Bass: Heck with the coffee. I want an extra-strong espresso, triple size.

NiGHTS: Hear hear. 

Avis and Muses: *troop out in a line, chattering to each other*

TV: *goes blank*


End file.
